50 Shades of...CRAP!

It seems one can’t go anywhere these days without being visually bombarded with copies of 50 Shades of Grey by E(ricka) L(eonard) James on display.  When this book first came on the market, it immediately skyrocketed to bestseller status and, I had to admit, I was curious.  As I began reading the plot summary and, consequently, reader reviews, I was still torn.  Reviews ranged from “I could not put this book down... Hot, romantic, funny” to “not even worth stealing.”  The majority of the comments seemed pretty positive though, as most of the readers (all women of course) loved the books’ “steaminess”.  I was still intrigued...

When I saw it on display at Indigo, I approached the books ever so slowly, scanning the store quickly in my peripheral vision that no one I knew would see me even standing in proximity to such smut. After all, I'm no pervert!  I read the back of the other 2 novels in the trilogy and even (I can’t believe I’m admitting this now) considered purchasing them!  A few weeks later, I (quite embarrassingly now) suggested the novel as the next read in my book club! (For this ladies, I do profoundly apologize!)

The hype about these books only continued to spread like wildfire, so I began reading excerpts of the first novel online.  It was at this moment that I lost all faith in people’s literary taste.

This would have been infinitely more entertaining.  And probably more realistic.

It’s crap.  Nothing but pure, repetitive, unrealistic, shallow, low-brow CRAP!

And I know what all you Christian Grey lovers out there are yelling at your screens right now.  “You haven’t even read it!  You can’t give an accurate critique!”  Well, I once read a quote that said “Life’s too short to drink cheap wine.”  Well folks, life’s too short to read dreadful literature!  And I certainly don’t consider myself a pretentious reader who only reads the classics!  I’ve read many bestsellers that certainly could have used some help in the prose department. (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo trilogy comes to mind.)  But at least the plot was interesting and compelling!  Since when do the topics of rape and abuse become bestseller material?

To summarize this drivel in one sentence, the young, naive (and virginal) main character, Anastasia Steele, (ugh, even the name is ridiculous) encounters business tycoon Christian Grey and the two embark on a “daring, passionate and physical love affair.”  However, once you get past the initial (completely ridiculous) sex scenes, readers will soon realize that the “relationship” Ana and Christian share is abusive.  He’s controlling, he repeatedly debases and ridicules her, and even occasionally “gently” (yeah right) pushes her away.  Ladies, this is what you deem your fantasy? 

For those that haven’t read the book(s), just read the excerpts below and PLEASE explain how you find this entertaining?

“I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”

(There is just so much wrong with these sentences.  What does the latter even mean?)

 
“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this."

(If a guy ever said this to any self-respecting girl, she would laugh in his face!  This goes right up there with guys who name their “members”, and then refer to it often like it’s an actual person.  This is pathetic!)

 “Why is anyone the way they are? That’s kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?” 

(Apparently, this is Christian’s attempt of an explanation as to why he likes to dominate other people.  I have no idea what cheese has to do with any of it, but I guess a lot of people out there like cheese, and perhaps they can relate?)

Yet another "good one" E.L.  You should earn a Nobel for this gold...

 There are so many more “gems” I could include and critique, but I think if I read another, I’m going to scream.   Why is this passing as a “must-read”?  Why have these novels sold millions of copies, and counting? To all those that have spent your hard-earned money on them, did you actually enjoy reading them?  You do realize that this smut is unrealistic and an example an extremely unhealthy relationship. 

I actually find it quite alarming that many review writers wish that there were Christian Greys in the world. “What a steamy fantasy that would be…” quotes one (sadly misguided) “50 Shades” reader.  Ladies, the Christian Greys of the world do exist.  We just call them by different names – rapists, abusers, wife-beaters and creeps come to mind.

So, in the name of all that is holy in the literary kingdom, PLEASE don’t add fuel to the fire and read these books.  Your intelligence and self-respect will thank you for it.

Lord help us...